Monday, November 19, 2007

Desolation Row

I could go on forever about how degraded I feel, and how my life is apparently down the gutter but I really can't be arsed to feel sorry for myself anymore. I'm currently homeless now and looking for some (any) kind of student accommodation to rent. The job hunting has begun and I'm already sick of the sight of the tedious application forms. Why is it that you have to give information so personal and intricate regarding the details of your life, hobbies and previous working experience? Okay so i agree experience in SOME jobs is essential and your qualifications educational-wise are to a degree relevant but do they really need to know that I enjoy hanging off cliffs, and photography (not at the same time, although that is a strangely appealing idea)

I can now see how easy it really is to become homeless forever, I can completely sympathise with many of the genuine homless people, not because I consider myself pulled into that dark hole just yet, but the situation I'm in at the moment has allowewd me to take a glimpse at how easily I, you or anyone, could fall into such a treacherous and vicious circle.

Anyway, as usual I got to see my little boy today and yesterday and he's amazing he never stops smiling, without him I would truly be lost. Although I have been told by his mother that she is taking him away from me to scarborough, which means that, I've travelled 300miles to be with my son, leave all my friends behind, get myself into this shitty situation only for her to decide to drag him another 200miles away, and although she says its for the sake of the children, I can't help but think it's a tiny bit of spitefulness also, and not only that I think its more for her sake than the children. Don't get me wrong, I think she's a great mother and has until now been a decent friend, but the thought of her taking my son from me is completely heart-breaking.

I'm just gonna take each day as it comes but to be honest with you I've decided to jump in with both feet and sort all this shit out once and for all, I'm not a callous person but its time for action, by whatever means possible.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Surreal realism

Okay, so today is completely different day, sun is shining blah, blah, blah, that's complete bollocks, so is the whole topic of you are who you make yourself and as for the army slogan of "Be the best" what a complete and utter onslaught of verbal diarrhoea at its highest! Here I am, a single father (of one absolutely gorgeous little boy, whom I could now never live without) trying to better myself, to complete a degree in an institution of higher education, whilst trying to look after my son, whilst trying to look for some sustainable amount of work that will leave me with at least a couple of pounds to satisfy my own needs also, throw into the equation a best friend whom is intent on self destruction, and has lack of basic common sense and knowledge, and just to add a twist to the whole sorry matter a father whose intent on destroying me.

I know, I know, self pity, youre feeling sorry for yourself etc.etc. and to a miniscule degree yes i admit i am perhaps a little sorry for myself but with an honest to god reason for being so. First of all I found out I had a son late on ( he was 3 -1/2mths old when I first saw him - which gutted me I'd have liked to have been there for the birth if im going to be completely honest). After finding out I made it the most important thing on my list of life to get back to my home town which was 300miles away from the digs I had been living in with friends I had met In Plymouth whilst attending the university there. So after a little deliberation and a few chats to the person who i consider my closest friend on the planet (at the time, I must also state that in closest I mean of the male gender, I have friends of the opposite sex whom are closer than said person) he agreed to allow me to stay with him in his house, which I know was very kind of him for doing. However the price of the "rent" sky rocketed from a managable amount of cash to an in explicable amount that only a full time working person would be able to afford, fair enough it is his house but allow me to paint you a picture.

Chaddesden, Derby, a council house ridden area of the city that although has been vastly improved since I was a child, is still on the "don't go there at night" side of the box. Although I do have family there and I have (touch wood) never had any particular problems with, vandals, muggers, murderers and so forth. The area is overgrown with slang talking chav and chavette typed people of both the younger generation and of my own age (and older) tracksuits all over the place, that god-awful sock tuck (what are they thinking - seriously?). Music heard from a multiple range of areas, the bus shelter, the kerb-side, the door way of off license's, even the local co-op and chippy are violated, and all this music is from the mobile phones they wear as a jewllery accessory, and to be honest without being completely frigid and hostile, I wouldn't mind if it was something decent they were listening to, some Bob Dylan, maybe a little of The Who or Queen, you know get some classic rock culture on the scene, but instead its a shite mix that some idiotic twat has decided to concoct in their bedroom using the very sophisticated "ejay" on their windows 95 smashed to bits PC.

Anyway I can feel myself running a tangent so back to Chaddesden. The area is a little rough lets just say. His house (my friends who I currently live with) is a three bedroomed semi detached, now this normally would be pretty nice you might think, firstly the biggest or master bedroom which he sleeps in is about two thirds the size of the living room, the second largest used by his 2yr old at weekends, is just under half the size of his, then you have a resonably sized bathroom, not too big nor too small, then you have the room in which i stay in, (which I decorated myself, I might add) which has to be probably half the size of his sons room, or approximately twice the size of those tiny under the stairs toilets that your aunties and uncles have. absolutely tiny, so tiny in fact that the chest of drawers in the room fills about a quater of the room, then theres my sons travel cot for when he stays over and also my belongings, now half of my belongings are in the attic, but the the other half has just filled the room completely with items that I do need, and use, and also clothing etc.

Now bearing in mind that when in plymouth my room was a tad larger than his living room you begin to see the difficulties at hand. I simply live on the sofa downstairs at present, not because i want to, but because its the only place I can sleep, another issue is the fact that the room has two rather large air vents on oposing walls, which dont close properly and allow the freezing winter night (and days') air to completely cover the room in a thick layer of icy mist, not good. especially for my little boy who sleeps downstairs with me on the sofa at present.

Now don't get me wrong im completely fine with paying rent and with working etc but I have yet to have my loan come through, I'm constantly with my little boy looking after him and watching him grow, on top of the 3mile walk to uni (then back again) I cannot afford to pay the same rate as you would at a single bedroomed luxury flat, yet thats what I'm being expected to pay fuelled on his mothers irratical ranting about anything remotely money related ( she works for a certain bank and constantly checks his account - in the knowledge that what she is doing is illegal - she then bollocks him for a good hour or so on the phone if theres so much as a penny out of place - He's 24 ffs!)

Now my friend wants me to get out of the house ( so that his annoyingly fat, idiotic retarded girlfriend from Paignton, Devon can come up and stay etc, he's knowon her all of 3 days and she ended up staying at the house with us (and her son) for a week (meaning her son never went to school that week either) also, three days after she left she returned minus the child, and stayed another week, meaning she left her child for a week whilst he was on half term!! ( I have to add that the person she left her son with she has only known for about 8mths). So now I'm officially homeless - Great.

What else could go wrong? Well, my loan hasn't come through yet, the University of Derby are charging my £3070.00 for tuition fees I cant afford due to the loan company not complying with the transfer to Derby from Plymouth, and I also owe £500.00 to a friend whom helped me out of a tricky situation back in september.

On top of all of this I've just had a blazing argument with my dad, who thinks and I quote " a useless piece of shit" this is directed at the fact I'm studying for a degree and not working, He has always had a problem with me (the eldest of three - my brother and sister are apparent angels in his eyes although I'm the only one whose been to college and university) He thinks I'm thick, that I'll "never come to anything no matter how much you try" and this has also made my dear old mum who I love very dearly, sob her eyes out.

So to round up today;

Im now homeless,
I have no money to my name,
I cant find a job to suit university hours and seeing my little boy,
I apparently owe the University £3070.00
I owe a friend £500.00
and I have a dad who hates me.

Lovely, can't wait til tomorrow. (At least I get to see my amazing little boy) At least I'm still smiling, I don't go down that easily without a fight.

Friday, November 16, 2007


OK so for starters this whole blog will in effect be a completely scrubs-like affair, i mean inner voice, jimminy cricket style day dreaming. Everything said and stated on here will be no more nor less a concoction of my own deluded thoughts and ideologies throughout the days. So today's topic you ask, well my dear audience I'm talking about the transferability of moving from one university to another, and the reasons why and the feelings after doing so. first of all i will start by sharing my feelings on the whole having to move phase, I have recently become a father of a gorgeous little boy and with his mother living in my home town in the east midlands i felt it my duty to be a man and stand up to my responsibilities as a father (of which I'm loving every second), The transfer itself was fairly painless, i called the university of Derby, they replied, i emailed my tutor at Plymouth, they were very helpful and within a weekend i was transferred once again back to my shady hometown from which i had gracefully retreated from and thought I had found a greater life for myself in sunny Devon (Plymouth). the paper work was a doddle, and i had little trouble in becoming enrolled onto a similar choice as the one from Plymouth, however the whole student loan thing is to date still up in the air and I'm hoping that shortly i will be given a huge gangsters wad of cash lol. The biggest pain from leaving Devon is missing my wonderful friends that i had acquired from living and studying there, I am still to this day quite severely gutted about the whole loss of friends issue however i will and am staying as closely in touch as humanly and digitally possibly, Any how I have made a couple of new student friends here now and in particular have found a kindred spirit in that of whom I now consider one of my closest confidants and in general, right up there with the best of them. well thats me outt for the day but keep checking for more updates. - Ronnie